Relationship & Dating Advice

Sex with your ex?

"I was in a live-in relationship for a year before we broke up, and it seemed like it took me forever to get over it. All of a sudden she showed back up to have sex, and that was hard to pass up. Now she wants sex every week. I still have feelings for her... I do enjoy the sex, and I haven't had any offers for a relationship. Should I avoid her, or just go with the flow?"

Dr. Debbie, Licensed Psychologist, says:

As you said, breakups can be difficult, and it can take a while to get over the loss. When we hang on to old relationships that are clearly over, we just prolong the inevitable and make the breakup more difficult than it needs to be.

However, sometimes couples decide that although they are not compatible for a lasting and serious relationship, they are both interesting in pursuing a strictly sexually-based relationship. The key here is that both people want this and understand the reality of the situation. If one person is trying to build a serious relationship, but the other is certain he or she only wants sex, then this becomes a recipe for disaster.

The major question for you to consider is, "What do I really want?"

You need to find out what is important to you, and what it is that you are ultimately looking for. You might want to discuss this with her, so that your expectations are crystal clear to each other. If she confirms that she is strictly interested in only having a sexual relationship, then you know where you stand, and can make the decision that is best for you.

One other thing to keep in mind is that if you are truly interested in having a meaningful relationship with someone else, then as long as you maintain a sexual relationship with your ex, you are limiting both your time and emotional availability for pursuing any new relationships.

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